[0] I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. George Burns.
[1] Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love. Woody Allen.
[2] The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less. Brendan Francis.
[3] There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid. Denis Leary.
[4] Work is the curse of the drinking classes. Oscar Wilde.
[5] The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev. Robin Williams.
[6] Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. Jim Carey.
[7] The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. Alfred Hitchcock.
[8] USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. David Letterman.
[9] I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield.
[10] You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeners.
[11] Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin.
[12] I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? Paul Merton.
[13] There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. Steve Martin.
[14] I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson.
[15] The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... Steven Wright.
[16] First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. George Burns.
[17] The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Marty Feldman.
[18] We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. Robin Williams.
[19] If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Steven Wright.
[20] For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Johnny Carson.
[21] Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' Charlie Brown.
[22] Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy.
[23] Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld.
[24] A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan.
[25] Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Steven Wright.
[26] Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks.
[27] I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. Henry Youngman.
[28] Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright.
[29] I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb. Freddie Starr.
[30] How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. Spike Milligan.
[31] My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe.
[32] You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest. Rowan Atkinson.
[33] It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. Charles Pierce.
[34] Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent. RD Laing
[35] Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen.
[36] An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. Edgar Wallace.
[37] I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. Woody Allen.
[38] My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. Emo Philips.
[39] When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. Matt Groening.
[40] Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. Steve Martin.
[41] It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. Joan Rivers.
[42] If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield.
[43] When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry.
[44] Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx.
[45] In married life three is company and two none. Oscar Wilde.
[46] It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. Spike Milligan.
[47] My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates.
[48] The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs. Oscar Wilde.
[49] Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce.
[50] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx.
[51] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante.
[52] Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. Groucho Marx.
[53] Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henry Youngman.
[54] If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police. Robert Louis Stevenson.
[55] If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? Lilly Tomlin.
[56] Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. George Burns.
[57] Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde.
[58] My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes. Sally Poplin.
[59] Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three. Billie Holiday.
[60] Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. Ogden Nash.
[61] Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city. George Burns.
[62] I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield.
[63] Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel. Leonardo Di Vinci.
[64] I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. Mickey Rooney.
[65] A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing. Duane Dewel.
[66] The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much. Colin Chapman.
[67] In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Woody Allen.
[68] I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. Patrick Murray.
[69] I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. Tony Curtis.
[70] The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men. Aristotle.
[71] My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself
[72] I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
[73] You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
[74] This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country. Clint Eastwood.
[75] In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. Yakov Smirnoff.
[76] I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. Bob Hope.
[77] Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs.
[78] All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl. Charlie Chaplin.
[79] If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobal.
[80] I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. Groucho Marx.
[81] Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning. Joel Segal.
[82] I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. Mel Brooks.
[83] Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Joan Rivers.
[84] Julie Andrews has lilacs instead of pubic hairs. Christopher Plummer.
[85] We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday. Dennis Norden.
[86] After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions. Bert Lahr.
[87] Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? John Mendosa.
[88] What's another word for thesaurus? Steven Wright.
[89] This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. George Burns.
[90] Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers. Daniel J. Boorstin.
[91] Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me. G.W. Hegel.
[92] To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit. Enoch Powell.
[93] Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Mark Twain.
[94] When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read. Hilliare Belloc.
[95] I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson.
[96] Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchett.
[97] Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything. Ivana Trump.
[98] In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime. Phyllis McGinley.
[99] It's not a good idea to put your wife into a novel; not your latest wife anyway. Norman Mailer.

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