Уф... мани, болеше ме главата и затова така.. писал съм глупости
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| Първи опит - критики и препоръки https://forum.pcmania.bg/phpbb3/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=36865 |
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| Автор: | J_Leno [ 31 Авг 2005 23:39 ] |
| Заглавие: | Първи опит - критики и препоръки |
Реших да постна нещо свое в този форум. Досега не съм се проявявал като творец в областта на литературата обаче на всеки човек му идва в един момент музата. Както и да е. Прочете ми краткия разказ(не съм и планувал да го правя дълъг, но кой знае) и коментирайте, критикувайте - приемам всякакви критики без съмнения отностно авторът на съчинението ,защото съм аз. Правописни грешки има и в това съм сигурен, защото не съм го давал на професионален редактор да ми оправя поразиите. Достатъчно. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A story about... ... another sunny day at the end of the summer. The joyful sun was shining steady and confidently over a small young forest. It was full of life - the birds were singing, the little hard-working ants were collecting their supplies for the difficult winter, the plants were growing faster than ever, all being coloured by their juicy fruits and tireless bees were wandering in the vital forest searching for the most pleasant smells to attract them - to collect the powder of the countless plants and flowers spread on the green grass. What a perfect place to be! There, deep in this lovely little forest, was travelling a stranger. A man at about 1.8 meters high, phisically well-shaped staring aimlessly at the rarely-used path among the high trees which leaves were protecting the traveler from the vital sun-shine. He was wearing a pair of pants looking as if they were put on this guy for some time. Using a pair of old shoes, to be more precisely - a shoe, waring the signs of long-lasting journey or escape, was stepping heavily and uncertainly on the soft untouched grass. A torn shirt was protecting his wounds from the tireless insects attacking him willingly to taste his tired cursed blood. He was in high contrast with everything around him. He was noticable from a great distance, because of his being not in the harmony of the surrounding nature. There is a story hidding the true reason for his present situation. This traveler was about 28-30 years old. His appearance was far away that age - he looked like 46-year old man who had taken place in lots of different important events, tired of living, looking for the true meaning of his life, here in the unexplored lands of the far east - the Lands Of The Forsaken. For him this lovely little forest was not different from the previous or the next one. Everything was still for him. Everything was in dark, grey colours staring at him unwelcomely. He had forgotten the feel of joy or happiness. He was alone in his life. In the most unpleasant time he had lost all his friends or may be they just abandoned him. Long ago he was betrayed by his own blood - his brother. He lost fate in the honesty of the people. He was not even sure that he was true to himself any more. He trew away his old life because he thought it would be impossible for him to continue living it as if nothing happend. But something DID happend. Something terrible happend... and it was his fault. In the very moment also happend something which interrupted the stranger's thoughts. Just a sound possibly cause by the blow of the wind had shaken the near bush's leaves. Or may be not... There were stories when he was a child about different kinds of monsters living in distant forests. He had not believed in a sigle story about ghouls, trolls or gargoyles be he didn't want to risk (again) and wait for the enemy to strike and took a look in front of him in the heart of the forest and ran like hell. He ran as a man in the beginning of his youth and ran as if he has been doing it for a long time. He was having fears since it happend and he was always running, running from his old life, running from his old enemies, running from the grief. He kept running, jumping over rocks, crossing little rivers, crawling under some very enormous, secret-hiding, breath-taking bushes... He was running for about 20 minutes or more , it was unclear for him, and he decided that he should take a look at the predator chasing him. So he did but he saw just quickly vanishing trees and flowers merging one in the other. He felt save for a moment and his heart-beat come almost back to normal. Than , again, something , the same thing happend. The near bushes on the left side of the traveler shook for a second or two and he lost balance over his sprinting legs and fell on the ground crushing his body to the little marvelous stones which almost broke some of his back bones...... ...... then everything was silence. The world blinked for a fragment of the second following the rhythm of his eyes. He felt strange. Not bad strange. He felt free. He felt save and absolutely calm. The stanger wasn't quite confident about what his eyes were seeing. He wasn't able to determine the colours or the shape of the objects which entered his view. He closed his eyes and touched them gently with the ends of his fingers and opened them again. Amazing! He felt as if ... he couldn't describe the feeling, the second most beautiful feeling in his life. He was wandering within a pure whiteness. A lovely place to be. Wait! What's that sound ? Without turning he identified the sound of a fine perfect silk gently touching soft young skin. What a perfect sound to hear in a perfect place! He trambled. No, he started shaking, waiting unpatiently for the sound to come closer to him. He knew that sound very well. This sound was the only miserable reason to keep him fighting against life. It was the only thing connecting his mind and body to... "Jenny." - thought he as he slowly turned to see the true reason for the terrific sounds, a symphony of sounds. "It is her. How could it be." - his mind couldn't figure out the truth about what his eyes where showing him. It's deffinitly her. He stared at her with unbelieving eyes. It was Jenny. His mind just couldn't accept the fact that she's standing in front of him unharmed and healthy, not even a single bruise on her cheeks. He looked in her eyes. She was watching him, too. This moment seemed for him like eternity. He couldn't move his feet so he lifted his hand towards her. He was trying to reach her. She did the same thing. At this moment they both were staring at each other trying to reach the other's warm save hand. He made one more time an enormous effort to touch her. "Just a little more..."- he thought and he felt like his fingers were getting longer. He was just to take her hand when all of a sudden her image trembled. He noticed that and the stranger began to feel the fear all over his body. She trembled once more as if somebody was touching his own reflection in the water. He was swetting because of the thought that he's the reason for her unsteady, almost unreal appearance. He concentrated all his strenght to accomplish his vital goal - to reach Jenny. And so he did. On the next moment she vanished, like the last ray of a setting sun, as if she wasn't there at all, in the whiteness which has become unwelcomely mean to him. Everything started melting in front of his eyes. This time he realized his mistake. Now, he is on the ground in the middle of the young, pretty charming forrest laying next to a deadly sharp stone just next to his head. He bends to his knees and starts crying - as easy as a baby and as heart-breaking as a man who has lost his soul. … and even more. He has lost her once again, this time forever. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Вие сте на ход. Чакам препоръки(най-вече), но и критики. А ако има интерес мога да доразвия историята с цел разясняването на различни аспекти от сюжета, които на този етап остават умишлено неясни и скрити. ПП - Извинявам се за неразбиращите английски - и аз не съм толко добре. ППП - Ако някой има идея за по-добро заглавие приемам съвети и ако ми хареса някое може да го редактирам за постоянно. |
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| Автор: | apaunchev [ 01 Сеп 2005 10:42 ] |
| Заглавие: | |
Защо на английски, бе? Аз няма да го прочета, сори.. или вземи да го напишеш на български или поне го преведи /съвет/ ! |
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| Автор: | AshamanBG [ 01 Сеп 2005 13:31 ] |
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Хахха, защо на английски? Защо пишеш на език, който (очевидно) не знаеш достатъчно добре? Освен правописните, имаш също стилистични грешки, объркан словоред, освен това явно нямаш достатъчно лексика, защото си използвал думи със значение, различно от контекста. Иначе като идея не е лошо, но най-добре го пренапиши, този път на български. Ако не успееш да откриеш грешките, ще ти направя един буквален превод, да видиш къде са. Искаш ли? П.С. А защо изобщо на английски? Надяваш се, че така ще е по-неразбираемо? |
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| Автор: | J_Leno [ 01 Сеп 2005 20:00 ] |
| Заглавие: | |
Ако искаш ми кажи кои изречения са най-объркани според теб и ще ги редактирам а ако ти е харесало - засега само ти си го прочел май - ще го преведа на бг защото иначе много играчка. А защо на английски - реших да се пробвам - изглеждаше ми по-лесно. Честно казано не знам. едит : МинутМен - последно - на български да го напиша или да го преведа? То има ли разлика ? Ако искаш да го преведа на някой друг език по-разбираем за теб от българския - казваш на какъв и ще намеря начин да го преведа - ок? |
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| Автор: | apaunchev [ 01 Сеп 2005 20:26 ] |
| Заглавие: | |
Уф... мани, болеше ме главата и затова така.. писал съм глупости
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| Автор: | J_Leno [ 01 Сеп 2005 20:29 ] |
| Заглавие: | |
fair enough |
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| Автор: | TT2 [ 01 Сеп 2005 20:45 ] |
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Ужас... как може да загърбвате съзнателно нашия си красив език заради чужди шльокавици. Баси поколението. |
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| Автор: | AshamanBG [ 02 Сеп 2005 20:50 ] |
| Заглавие: | |
Ми учим още, затва. А кат е на английски поне може човека да научи туй-онуй, щот явно не го чатка много тоя език. Хмм, струва ми се че като го преведеш, ще усетиш къде са ти грешките. В смисъл, усеща се кво се ескал да кажеш, просто си му ебал майката с лексиката. там, в началото, дето "веселото слънце светеше стабилно (!?) и уверено (!?) над малката млада (!?) гора". използвал си прилагателните: steady - устойчив, стабилен, здрав, балансиран; coNfidently - 1. уверено, с пълна вяра 2. самоуверено, самонадеяно; young - млад, малък, младежки, незрял, неопитен, нов, обикновено се използва с контекст за хора, много рядко и само в стара литература се среща като "нов" high trees which leaves were protecting the traveler from the vital sun-shine синтактично правилното изречение би изглеждало така: high trees whose leaves were protecting the traveler from the vital sunshine но дори и така се губи смисъла, буквален превод: високи дървета, чиито листа предпазваха пътника от жизненонеобходимата слънчева светлина ако е "vital", жизненоважна, то не се използва глагола "protect" (предпазвам, защитавам), а по-скоро "be in someone's way" - заставам на пътя на, преча. Уфф, тва са само час от най-грубите грешки, мързи ме, а и тва, дет го изписах досега става за произволен урок в учебник по англ. Иначе и аз съм съгласен, че е по-добре да пишеш на български. Първо, че е по-разбираемо за повечето (българи сме, ебаси), второ, че на самия тебе ше е по-лесно. Националната гордост оставяме, що тя не пълни стомаха 
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