[0] I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. George Burns.
[1] Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love. Woody Allen.
[2] The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less. Brendan Francis.
[3] There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid. Denis Leary.
[4] Work is the curse of the drinking classes. Oscar Wilde.
[5] The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev. Robin Williams.
[6] Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. Jim Carey.
[7] The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. Alfred Hitchcock.
[8] USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. David Letterman.
[9] I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield.
[10] You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeners.
[11] Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin.
[12] I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? Paul Merton.
[13] There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. Steve Martin.
[14] I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson.
[15] The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... Steven Wright.
[16] First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. George Burns.
[17] The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Marty Feldman.
[18] We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. Robin Williams.
[19] If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Steven Wright.
[20] For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Johnny Carson.
[21] Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' Charlie Brown.
[22] Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy.
[23] Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld.
[24] A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan.
[25] Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Steven Wright.
[26] Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks.
[27] I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. Henry Youngman.
[28] Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright.
[29] I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb. Freddie Starr.
[30] How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. Spike Milligan.
[31] My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe.
[32] You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest. Rowan Atkinson.
[33] It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. Charles Pierce.
[34] Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent. RD Laing
[35] Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen.
[36] An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. Edgar Wallace.
[37] I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. Woody Allen.
[38] My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. Emo Philips.
[39] When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. Matt Groening.
[40] Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. Steve Martin.
[41] It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who. Joan Rivers.
[42] If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. Rodney Dangerfield.
[43] When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry.
[44] Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx.
[45] In married life three is company and two none. Oscar Wilde.
[46] It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. Spike Milligan.
[47] My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates.
[48] The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs. Oscar Wilde.
[49] Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce.
[50] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx.
[51] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante.
[52] Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. Groucho Marx.
[53] Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henry Youngman.
[54] If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police. Robert Louis Stevenson.
[55] If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? Lilly Tomlin.
[56] Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. George Burns.
[57] Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde.
[58] My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes. Sally Poplin.
[59] Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three. Billie Holiday.
[60] Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. Ogden Nash.
[61] Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city. George Burns.
[62] I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield.
[63] Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel. Leonardo Di Vinci.
[64] I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. Mickey Rooney.
[65] A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing. Duane Dewel.
[66] The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much. Colin Chapman.
[67] In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Woody Allen.
[68] I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. Patrick Murray.
[69] I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. Tony Curtis.
[70] The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men. Aristotle.
[71] My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself
[72] I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
[73] You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
[74] This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country. Clint Eastwood.
[75] In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. Yakov Smirnoff.
[76] I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. Bob Hope.
[77] Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs.
[78] All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl. Charlie Chaplin.
[79] If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobal.
[80] I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. Groucho Marx.
[81] Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning. Joel Segal.
[82] I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. Mel Brooks.
[83] Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Joan Rivers.
[84] Julie Andrews has lilacs instead of pubic hairs. Christopher Plummer.
[85] We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday. Dennis Norden.
[86] After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions. Bert Lahr.
[87] Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? John Mendosa.
[88] What's another word for thesaurus? Steven Wright.
[89] This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. George Burns.
[90] Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers. Daniel J. Boorstin.
[91] Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me. G.W. Hegel.
[92] To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit. Enoch Powell.
[93] Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Mark Twain.
[94] When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read. Hilliare Belloc.
[95] I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson.
[96] Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchett.
[97] Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything. Ivana Trump.
[98] In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime. Phyllis McGinley.
[99] It's not a good idea to put your wife into a novel; not your latest wife anyway. Norman Mailer.
[100] I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind. Patrick Dennis.
[101] It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. Joan Rivers
[102] Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy. Steve Martin.
[103] When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better. Mae West.
[104] I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though. Elton John.
[105] My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson
[106] A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing. Phyllis Diller
[107] The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage. Will Cuppy
[108] Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. Woody Allen
[109] My best birth control now is to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers
[110] It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marylyn Munroe.
[111] Oh Lord give me chastity, but do not give it yet. St Augustine
[112] The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin. Honore de Balzac
[113] I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women. Bernard Manning.
[114] I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. Joan Rivers
[115] I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.  Groucho Marx
[116] She said he proposed something on their wedding night that even her own brother wouldn't have suggested. James Thurber
[117] It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it. Winston Churchill
[118] You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. Somerset Maugham
[119] A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man. Mignon McLaughlin
[120] There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible. PJ O'Rourke
[121] What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home. Ken Hammond.
[122] Sex is God's joke on human beings. Bette Davis
[123] Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet. Taki.
[124] I am always looking for meaningful one night stands. Dudley Moore
[125] My ultimate fantasy is to entice a man to my bedroom, put a gun to his head and say, 'Make babies or die'. Ruby Wax
[126] I know nothing about sex because I was always married. Zsa Zsa Gabor
[127] A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing. Phyllis Diller
[128] I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now. Bill Hicks.
[129] A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. WC Fields
[130] What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others. Diogenes.
[131] The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings. Arthur Lewis.
[132] I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example. Mick Miller.
[133] Real ale fans are just like train-spotters, only drunk. Christopher Howse.
[134] Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold. Jerry Vale
[135] Prohibition is better than no liquor at all. Will Rogers.
[136] The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV. Homer Simpson.
[137] I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. WC Fields
[138] Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. Mark Twain.
[139] I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S Thompson.
[140] My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? Henry Youngman.
[141] She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short. Clive James talking about Marilyn Monroe
[142] Glenda Jackson has a face to launch a thousand dredgers. Jack deManio
[143] I couldn't stand Janis Joplin's voice. . .She was just a screaming little loudmouthed chick. Arthur Lee on Janis Joplin
[144] A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck. Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams
[145] My movies were the kind they show in prisons and on aeroplanes, because no-one can leave. Burt Reynolds
[146] I love British cinema like a doctor loves his dying patient. Ben Kingsley
[147] Awards are like haemorrhoids; sooner or later every asshole gets some. Frederic Raphael
[148] Spielberg isn't a filmmaker, he's a confectioner. Alex Cox on Steven Spielberg
[149] You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruitfly and still have room for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. Fred Allen
[150] When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me. Carrot Top.
[151] You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' Dave Barry.
[152] The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg.
[153] My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. Wendy Leibman.
[154] If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? Steven Wright.
[155] Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines. Joan Rivers.
[156] Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony. Johnny Carson.
[157] He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news. Bertolt Brecht.
[158] At school we had a name for guys who were 'trying to get in touch with themselves'. PJ O'Rourke.
[159] Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. Mark Twain.
[160] A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. Lisa Kirk
[161] Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. Bob Rubin
[162] We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like. Jean Cocteau.
[163] It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't. Arthur Gore
[164] Mr Anaesthetist, if the patient can stay awake, surely you can. Wilfred Trotter
[165] There's no bigger fan of the opposite sex than me, and I have the bills to prove it. Alan Lerner
[166] The flashier kind of widow may insist only only sleeping with black men during the first year after death. PJ O'Rourke
[167] I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. Gandhi
[168] My folks first met on the subway trying to pick each others pockets. Freddie Prinze
[169] I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home. Groucho Marx
[170] Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson. 
[171] A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over. Dino Levi
[172] Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous. George Bernard Shaw
[173] When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein
[174] Jeffery Archer is proof of the proposition that in each of us lurks a bad novel. Julian Critchley
[175] I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife. Ilie Nastase
[176] Dead? With the newspaper strike on. I wouldn't even consider it. Bette Davis
[177] The full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the fringes. JD Bernal
[178] This is either a forgery or a damn clever original. Frank Sullivan
[179] The longest word in the english language is the one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word from our sponsor'. Hal Eaton
[180] I'm not a paranoid derranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire. Howard Hughes.
[181] If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some. Benjamin Franklin
[182] Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan.
[183] When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes. Henry Miller.
[184] The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. Albert Einstein.
[185] I've been rich and I've been poor: Rich is better. Sophie Tucker
[186] Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. Errol Flynn.
[187] When you've got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow. Fern Naito.
[188] The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. Peter Ustinov.
[189] My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil. JP Getty.
[190] When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is. Oscar Wilde
[191] Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. Robert Orben.
[192] They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it. Joseph Addison.
[193] A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich. Cleveland Amory
[194] I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse. Clinton Jones.
[195] Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly. George Raft.
[196] It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. WC Fields.
[197] Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It's like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: 'Because of my mother.' Robin Greenspan
[198] As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, 'Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients', but the another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian!' Dick Wilson.
[199] My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. Walter Matthau.
[200] Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. Samuel Goldwyn.
[201] To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research. Anonymous.
[202] The great leaders are like the best conductors - they reach beyond the notes to reach the magic in the players. Blaine Lee.
[203] Minds are like parachutes; they work best when open. Lord Thomas Dewar.
[204] Work is the curse of the drinking classes. Oscar Wilde.
[205] Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. Anonymous.
[206] No one is listening until you make a mistake. Anonymous.
[207] The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. Alfred Hitchcock.
[208] USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. David Letterman.
[209] I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield.
[210] The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. Mark Twain.
[211] Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlin.
[212] Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. M. Scott Peck.
[213] Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead. Scottish Proverb.
[214] I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson.
[215] The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... Steven Wright.
[216] Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats. Howard Aiken.
[217] The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Marty Feldman.
[218] I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone. Bill Cosby.
[219] The very essence of leadership is that you have to have a vision. Theodore Hesburgh.
[220] Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality. Jules de Gautier.
[221] Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' Charlie Brown.
[222] Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy.
[223] The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that there's only one other choice. Doug Larson.
[224] A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan.
[225] Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Steven Wright.
[226] It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf. Walter Lippman.
[227] Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. Aldous Huxley.
[228] Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright.
[229] Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box. Italian Proverb.
[230] The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it. Albert Einstein.
[231] My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe.
[232] To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. Elbert Hubbard.
[233] He that always gives way to others will end in having no principles of his own. Aesop.
[234] Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. Muhammad Ali
[235] It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory. W. Edwards Demming.
[236] It's kind of fun to do the impossible. Walt Disney.
[237] I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. Douglas Adams.
[238] Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself. Chinese Proverb.
[239] If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain. Maya Angelou.
[240] Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf. American Indian Proverb.
[241] Life is wasted on the living. Douglas Adams.
[242] The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success. James Bond-Tomorrow Never Dies.
[243] Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have. Margaret Mead.
[244] I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them. Isaac Asimov.
[245] Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. Jeff Pesis.
[246] We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. Aristotle.
[247] My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates.
[248] The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs. Oscar Wilde.
[249] Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window. Steve Wozniak.
[250] A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. Mitch Ratcliffe.
[251] One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. Robert Firth.
[252] If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. Robert X. Cringely.
[253] Javascript is the duct tape of the Internet. Charlie Campbell.
[254] Managing programmers is like trying to herd cats. Greg Settle.
[255] Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen. Edward V. Berard.
[256] I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. e.e. cummings.
[257] Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway. Mary Kay Ash.
[258] In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. Martin Luther King Jr.
[259] Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Oscar Wilde.
[260] Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. Ogden Nash.
[261] Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. Henry Ford.
[262] Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Napoleon Bonaparte.
[263] I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. Thomas Alva Edison.
[264] Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. Sherlock Holmes.
[265] We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. Vince Lombardi.
[266] The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. James Branch Cabell.
[267] In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Woody Allen.
[268] Do, or do not. There is no 'try'. Yoda.
[269] The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. Nathaniel Borenstein.
[270] Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down. Jimmy Durante.
[271] Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. Victor Borge.
[272] The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. Samuel Johnson.
[273] There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. Frank Zappa.
[274] This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country. Clint Eastwood.
[275] In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. Yakov Smirnoff.
[276] I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. Bob Hope.
[277] Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs.
[278] All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl. Charlie Chaplin.
[279] If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobal.
[280] I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. Groucho Marx.
[281] Science is a differential equation. Religion is a boundary condition. Alan Turing.
[282] Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. Dale Carnegie.
[283] Life was simple before World War II. After that, we had systems. Grace Hopper.
[284] I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time. Charlie Brown.
[285] We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday. Dennis Norden.
[286] After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions. Bert Lahr.
[287] Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? John Mendosa.
[288] What's another word for thesaurus? Steven Wright.
[289] This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. George Burns.
[290] Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers. Daniel J. Boorstin.
[291] Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me. G.W. Hegel.
[292] URLs are the 800 numbers of the 1990's. Chris Clark.
[293] Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Mark Twain.
[294] When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read. Hilliare Belloc.
[295] Computers make it easy to do alot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don't need to be done. Andy Rooney.
[296] Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchett.
[297] Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything. Ivana Trump.
[298] In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime. Phyllis McGinley.
[299] It's not a good idea to put your wife into a novel; not your latest wife anyway. Norman Mailer.
[300] Could you repeat that? I want to add it to my quote database. Your Computer.
[301] The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it. William Gibson.
[302] In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it. Merle Meacham.
[303] When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better. Mae West.
[304] Science is everything we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. David Knuth.
[305] Looking at the proliferation of personal web pages on the net, it looks like very soon everyone on earth will have 15 Megabytes of fame. MG Siriam.
[306] A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing. Phyllis Diller
[307] It's easy to cry 'bug' when the truth is that you've got a complex system and sometimes it takes a while to get all the components to co-exist peacefully. Doug Vargas.
[308] We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. R. Wilensky.
[309] Mome computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. Doug Larson.
[310] You go to your TV to turn your brain off. You go to the computer when you want to turn your brain on. Steve Jobs.
[311] Computers can now keep a man's every transgression recorded in a permanent memory bank, duplicating with complex programming and intricate wiring a feat his wife handles quite well without fuss or fanfare. Lane Olinghouse.
[312] The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin. Honore de Balzac
[313] The path to success is to take massive, determined action. Anthony Robbins.
[314] Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. Joseph Campbell
[315] The glory of the Internet is it is wide open and freewheeling, but the problem with the Internet is it is open and freewheeling. Art Caplan.
[316] There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network. Guy Almes.
[317] Do not expose your LaserWriter to fire or intense heat. Apple Laserwiter Manual.
[318] USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.' Dave Barry.
[319] Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training. Anna Freud.
[320] Beware of programmers who carry screw drivers. Leonard Brandwein.
[321] Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies. Bill Bulko.
[322] You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of Fortran. Alan Perlis.
[323] Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. Pablo Picasso.
[324] The real question is not whether machines think but whether men do. The mystery which surrounds a thinking machine already surrounds a thinking mans. B.F. Skinner.
[325] In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late. Bruce Sterling
[326] Free beer tends to lead to free speech. Unknown.
[327] EMAIL - when it absolutely positively has to get lost at the speed of light. Unknown
[328] All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. Ashleigh Brilliant.
[329] No one really knows enough to be a pessimist. Norman Cousins.
[330] Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Cordel Hull.
[331] Remember only the good; the bad will never forget you. Doug Horton.
[332] The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea. Unknown.
[333] A man who has committed a mistake, and doesn't correct it, is committing another mistake. Confucious.
[334] A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way. John Tudor.
[335] Prohibition is better than no liquor at all. Will Rogers.
[336] The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV. Homer Simpson.
[337] I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. WC Fields
[338] Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. Mark Twain.
[339] Any sufficiently advanced Operating System is indistinguishable from Linux. Jim Dennis.
[340] No one has ever bet enough on a winning horse. Richard Sasuly.
[341] Mary had a crypto key, she kept it in escrow, and everything that Mary said, the Feds were sure to know. Unknown.
[342] It would be a great tragedy were we to stop the wheels of progress because of an incapacity to assist the victims of progress. Alan Greenspan.
[343] XAS: XML Alphabet Soup. Craig Bruce
[344] A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. Edgar A. Schoaff
[345] My movies were the kind they show in prisons and on aeroplanes, because no-one can leave. Burt Reynolds
[346] I love British cinema like a doctor loves his dying patient. Ben Kingsley
[347] The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. Ben Franklin.
[348] A narcissist is someone better-looking than you are. Gore Vidal.
[349] You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruitfly and still have room for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. Fred Allen
[350] Haven't you read enough of these already? Go back to work! Tom Dewar.
[351] You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' Dave Barry.
[352] The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg.
[353] Defining myself, as opposed to being defined by others, is one of the most difficult challenges I face. Carol Mosely-Braun.
[354] If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? Steven Wright.
[355] So of cheerfulness, or a good temper, the more it is spent, the more it remains. Ralph Waldo Emerson.
[356] It seems like 'innovation' is a lame code word for 'anything that makes life more difficult for the customer while guaranteeing a butt-load of cash for Microsoft'. David Wollmann.
[357] He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news. Bertolt Brecht.
[358] The history of software shows that availability wins out over technical quality every time. Charles Hedrick.
[359] Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. Mark Twain.
[360] A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. Lisa Kirk
[361] Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace. Albert Schweitzer
[362] We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like. Jean Cocteau.
[363] It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't. Arthur Gore
[364] Freedom is never given; it is won. A. Philip Randolph.
[365] No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
[366] A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen.
[367] I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. Gandhi
[368] Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. Oscar Levant.
[369] I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying. Groucho Marx
[370] Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson. 
[371] A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over. Michael Jordon.
[372] Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed. Booker T. Washington.
[373] When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein
[374] I still have my feet on the ground, I just wear better shoes. Oprah Winfrey.
[375] The question is not whether we can afford to invest in every child; it is whether we can afford not to. Marian Wright Edelman.
[376] People pay for what they do, and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it very simply; by the lives they lead. James Baldwin.
[377] The full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the fringes. JD Bernal
[378] This is either a forgery or a damn clever original. Frank Sullivan
[379] The longest word in the english language is the one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word from our sponsor'. Hal Eaton
[380] I'm not a paranoid derranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire. Howard Hughes.
[381] If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some. Benjamin Franklin
[382] Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan.
[383] Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. Les Brown.
[384] The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. Albert Einstein.
[385] I've been rich and I've been poor: Rich is better. Sophie Tucker
[386] This space for rent. Just Kidding.
[387] When you've got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow. Fern Naito.
[388] The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. Peter Ustinov.
[389] My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil. JP Getty.
[390] When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is. Oscar Wilde
[391] Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. Robert Orben.
[392] They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it. Joseph Addison.
[393] A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich. Cleveland Amory
[394] I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse. Clinton Jones.
[395] Help, I'm Trapped in a Fortune Cookie Factory. unknown.
[396] It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. WC Fields.
[397] Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It's like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: 'Because of my mother.' Robin Greenspan
[398] Courage is the capacity to confront what can be imagined. Leo Rosten.
[399] My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. Walter Matthau.
[300] Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. Samuel Goldwyn.